The Undercover IT Correspondent

GEOGRAPHICALLY-CHALLENGED WEBMASTERS

Why do websites have to have the whole of the UN in the country drop list?

 

You know, as far as the global village is concerned, there’s such a thing as being too global. When the internet went mainstream in the mid-90s, the world was a pretty predictable place. Web sites implicitly targeted the home country and didn’t even bother displaying a country field on their order forms. When they eventually got round to doing so, the country drop list reflected the economic realities of the time: the major economic powers in North America, Europe and Asia-Pacific. So if you typed in U, you got familiar names like UK and USA, and F gave you Finland and France. And you got this warm, fuzzy feeling that the world as we knew it was still the same place we grew up in.

 

But then some webmaster had the brilliantly flawed idea of downloading a list of countries from the UN web site, and in one fell swoop condemned the rest of humanity to having to scroll through places they’d never heard of before, and would probably never set foot in for the rest of their lives. Subsequent webmasters not only matched this dubious feat, but also upped the ante by adding more and more obscure places on the globe, most of which probably didn’t even have a single internet connection! And with the break-up of the USSR and Eastern Europe, this was not a particularly difficult thing to do.

 

Well, I don’t know about you, but I’ve had enough of this political correctness! The US is the world’s largest economy – and besides, Al Gore invented the Internet – so I say USA should be the first value in the country list when you key in a U. And our friends in Finland and France should be able to hit the F key without having to scroll through exotic places like Fiji and the Faroe Islands (is that where the ancient Egyptian kings are buried?).

 

After all, just what is the deal here? Why is it of such vital importance to get the country name right for Albania, Afghanistan-Bananastan, the Falklands or the Faroe Islands? What volume of e-commerce shipments are we talking about here? Will Federal Express be unable to deliver the annual book order to Uzbekistan if it is incorrectly spelt (for those who don’t know where Uzbekistan is, it’s next to Kazakhstan)? Will the volume of returned merchandise affect the balance of payments?  Will Amazon’s share price drop because of incorrect forecasting of sales to Burundi and Bhutan? Are there even more than three addresses in all of Antarctica?

 

No folks, I say these webmasters have got it all wrong. Just as in CRM whereby you want to differentiate between your most profitable customers, webmasters should go back to college (go to college?) to learn about the differences in GNP between Sweden and Somalia. I say we drop all these economically insignificant countries from the lists! Of course, the whole PC movement would be outraged, so I guess we’d have to settle for major countries and the rest of the world (which can be abbreviated to ROW on the screen).

 

Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve got nothing against webmasters– some of my best friends have webmaster friends. But I think it’s time we all did the electronic equivalent of shouting from our windows like in the movie Network, and send an email to all these webmasters to the effect that ‘we’re mad as hell and we’re not gonna take it any more!’

 

MG

DEAD IT POETS SOCIETY

Emily Dickinson and Rudyard Kipling were already writing about IT in the 19^th century!

 

IT might have started in the mid-20^th century, but two 19^th century poets describe the trials and tribulations of the profession so well that one could be forgiven for thinking that they had somehow been caught in a time warp.

 

For example, the following stanza from Rudyard Kipling’s ‘The Broken Men’ could have been written about Microsoft and Vista:

 

For things we never mention,

  For art misunderstood –

For excellent intention

  That did not turn to good …

 

Emily Dickinson’s ‘Forbidden fruit’ captures perfectly the state of mind of Windows users longing for a Macintosh to go with their iPods:

 

Heaven is what I cannot reach!

  The Apple on the tree,

Provided it do hopeless hang

  That ‘heaven’ is to me.

 

And her poem, ‘The Lost Thought’, could be the lament for a developer in intense debug:

 

I felt a clearing in my mind

  As if my brain had split;

I tried to match it, seam by seam,

  But could not make them fit.

 

The thought behind I strove to join

  Unto the thought before,

But sequence raveled out of reach

  Like balls upon a floor.

 

IT departments who still cling to the waterfall methodology for software development, despite ample evidence that it does not work, would do well to remember Kipling’s words from ‘The Power of the Dog’:

 

There is sorrow enough in the natural way

From men and women to fill our day;

And when we are certain of sorrow in store,

Why do we always arrange for more?

 

And finally, Rudyard Kipling’s ‘When Earth’s Last Picture is Painted’ could, with a few minor changes, describe the whole profession on judgement day:

 

When Earth’s last program is written

  And the tapes are twisted and dried,

When the oldest listings have faded,

  And the youngest critic has died.

We shall rest, and, faith, we shall need it -

  Lie down for an aeon or two,

Till the Master of all good software

  Shall put us to work anew.

 

And only The Master shall praise us,

  And only The Master shall blame;

And no one shall work for money,

  And no one shall work for fame,

But each for the joy of the program,

  And each in his separate star,

Shall code the thing as he sees it,

  For the god of things as they are!

 

MG

IT IN THE MOVIES

If we don’t have enough women in IT, blame it on Hollywood!

 

Every so often we see hand-wringing in the press lamenting the fact that we don’t have enough women in IT.  For some recent examples check out “What is it about girls and IT?” (Financial Times) and “Making IT work for women” (Computerworld). Well, for one of the main culprits, look no further than the silver screen, whose role models help to shape our kids’ career choices.

 

Of all the professions misrepresented in Hollywood – which is just about all of them – IT clearly gets the worst treatment. Never mind the computers, which display the ultimate in technological contradictions: fantastic graphics, super-computing processing power and universal networking capabilities – combined with such poor security that anyone can break in simply by typing conversational English and guessing the right password. No, one can forgive Hollywood its hardware fantasies – it’s the people and the profession that are the problem.

 

Despite job simplification on the silver screen, some semblance of reality usually manages to find its way into most scripts. For example, we’ve all got at least a vague idea of what to expect in fields like law, the police, journalism and finance (which, by the way, constitutes 95% of the working population of Scriptville). However, when it comes to IT, we are asked to totally suspend all belief.

 

The scriptwriting rules for IT are really very simple:

 

• There is no such thing as an IT profession, with its developers, analysts, ops staff, project managers and CIOs. There are only hard-core techies, period. This wouldn’t be so bad if the techies were normal people, but they’re anything but that (next point).
• There are two categories of techie: (1) the brilliant, techno-geek rebel/social misfit in his late teens, who’s got a bone to pick with some corporation – or with society as a whole (2) the sassy ten year school kid who has total mastery over whatever computer system he or she comes into contact with.
• Whatever the scale of the undertaking – space-launched lasers for James Bond villains, or the complete infrastructure and security systems for Jurassic Park – you never need more than one person!  Two would be a crowd. As for a team, fuhgettaboutit…

 

Take James Bond movies, for example, with their complex mix of systems and technology needed to menace democracy and dominate Earth. What should normally be a multi-billion dollar effort involving at least 5 000 IT staff and systems integrators is all effortlessly achieved by a single individual! Actually, there are 5 000 people in Spectre or whatever the evil organization is now called, but 4 997 of them work in security. The remaining three are the villain, his sidekick and the resident IT expert. In the only exception to the teen rule, this person is always a man in his forties (never a woman – what happened to equality of the sexes here?), whose final reward is always to die with his scheming boss in a ball of fire or a hail of bullets in the final scene.

 

Jurassic Park is another example of the rules of IT scriptwriting – and a disappointing one, because whereas James Bond films by definition defy belief, one would at least have expected an icon like Steven Spielberg to put some effort into it. But what does he throw at us instead? The archetype geek! A fat slob developer in a Bermuda shirt and nerd-specs, pushing 280-300 lbs, with his ass hanging out of his pants, and the social skills of the very dinosaurs his systems are supposed to keep in check. This moronic whiz-kid is supposed to deliver the complex systems that control, amongst other things, fully automated guided tours, security gates, motion-detector sensors, and high-voltage fences which will protect humans from man-eating dinosaurs. Shame on you, Steven, you could have done better! (At least when Seinfeld created Newman using the same actor, he had the good sense to cast him as a postal worker).

 

Before Harrison Ford in Firewall (2006), Hollywood had yet to feature a single IT executive or manager, or indeed any white-collar worker hero. This has probably gone a long way towards dissuading women from seeking a career in the profession. Until scriptwriters realize that IT is about so much more than the laptop environments on which they churn out their techno-geek disbelief, women will continue to head towards the better portrayed professions such as law, journalism or finance.

 

MG

IT EXECUTIVE PHOTO OPS – SIZE MATTERS!

When it comes to technology, some executives are clearly better endowed than others.

 

When it comes to executive photo ops in the IT press, size clearly matters. Any in-depth article on the latest and greatest project success at Acme Inc will inevitably feature a photo of the senior IT or business executive in charge. But not just any old photo: the standard 1×1.5 inch mug shot is clearly inadequate here and doesn’t convey the right message. That message is all about size and importance, which means the person must be appropriately dwarfed by some technology, the implicit message being – hey, I run all this sh*t and make it work!

 

Technology is the only allowable backdrop for exec photo shots. Geography, scenery and tourist attractions just don’t make the grade, which explains why you hardly ever see exec photos with backdrops of city scenes or nature.

 

When it comes to technology, some executives are clearly better endowed than others. For example, you can expect great photos ops for execs working in companies which manufacture or use behemoths like airplanes, submarines or cruise ships. Most of these photos are taken outdoors, with awesome technology as the ultimate prop. I remember many years ago a photo of an exec who even managed to be photographed perched atop the cockpit canopy of an attack helicopter, with the rotor blades just above his head! That was a boy with one helluva toy!

 

For execs that are less well endowed technology-wise, all is not lost! The standard alternative is to fall back on the computer room filled with lots of exotic hardware. With suitable tricks of lighting and focus, photographers can put together indoor pictures that tell as impressive an executive story as those depicted by the outdoor pictures of the boys with their toys. The usual shot is to have the exec with arms folded leaning against a black mainframe or a huge array of disks. He is suitably stern-faced (no smiling in the computer room), with a Clint Eastwood look that seems to be saying ‘go on, make my day!’

 

When choosing props in the computer room though, I think these execs are not giving technology a fair deal, so the latest gadgets are getting a bum rap. After all, if we measure technological progress in terms of the accepted criteria of miniaturization (smaller, faster, cheaper), then execs should have been posing in the seventies with minicomputers, in the eighties with PCs, in the nineties with laptops, and today with handheld devices. But no, it’s always the bloody mainframe! And when they don’t have a mainframe, then it’s server or disk arrays, the next best look-alikes (hell, they could even pose in front of the air conditioning unit and we’d be none the wiser – they all look the same anyway)!

 

There is at least one sector however, where execs feel they never get any justice from the IT press when it comes to photos, and that is the lingerie business. And who can blame them? For example, at that household name of US lingerie, Victoria’s Secret, whatever the IT story, project success or failure, you can be sure that the magazine is going to run a photo of a model from the latest catalogue – or worse, the exec against a background of said model! Regardless of gender, it’s an exec loser’s game – for the man because he appears too feminine, and for the lady because she appears, well… too feminine.

 

So no matter how technology plays out over the next decade, I think most large companies will always have at least one mainframe in the computer room – it’s the only suitable prop for executives who are not well endowed! MG

WI-FI ON AIRPLANES? ENOUGH ALREADY!

The techno-marketers have got it all wrong! Airborne wi-fi ain’t gonna fly!

The quest to stay connected to the office seems never-ending: answering machines, beepers, pagers, car phones, mobile phones, laptops, PDAs. No moment seems private enough not to be interrupted by your boss and fellow-workers. The most recent addition to the catalogue of electronic leashes for the road warrior is wi-fi on airplanes for internet and mobile phone calls. Understandably, people have strong views on the subject. Here are some samples, “Wi-fi in trains, planes and automobiles: public irritation?” from a CIO.com blogger,  “Hello, I’m on the plane …”  from the Daily Telegraph, and one from a frequent flyer passenger who’s actually created a website against mobiles on planes, called www.mobilefreeplanes.com . 

Let’s see what segment of passengers we’re targeting here: jet-lagged managers and corp execs, weary from sleepless nights and day-long meetings in different time zones. And we’ve somehow figured out that instead of having a quick dinner, maybe unwinding with a movie, then going to sleep, what these folks really want to do at midnight at 30,000ft above the Atlantic is check their email and place some calls! And I can’t even begin to make a case for the people in the rear traveling in cattle class.

Yes, folks, despite these troubled times, techno-marketers have apparently convinced the airlines to fork out millions of dollars to equip their aircraft with wi-fi. The primary culprits are the aircraft manufacturers, Airbus and Boeing, who lured their customers into believing there’s money to be made from airborne internet (I’d just love to see the supporting studies), and if one manufacturer starts wiring its planes, then the other has no choice but to follow. Then there are the marketers within the airline industry itself, who are so out of touch with reality (after all, they fly for free…) that they actually believe that airborne wi-fi will provide competitive differentiation. Yeah right, like I’m going to let that influence my decision whether to fly airline A or airline B.  

You’d think they would have learned their lesson from air phones in the backs of passenger seats, that other expensive airborne initiative that bombed. Not surprisingly, given the outrageous price of a call and the spectre of talking in a very confined space.  And working through the numbers really makes you wonder what controlled substances these folks were on when they dreamed up the concept of air phones. On a flight of say 200 people, if 20% of passengers make a five minute phone call at $5/min, that gives us 40 x 5 x 5 = $1 000 of revenue. Like wow! Hardly the type of stuff that makes the bean counters jump for joy. Talk about forgetting what your core business is. 

So now they want to take another chance with airborne wi-fi? Good luck! And what about support? Will this be one more job for flight attendants? On-board support is unlikely, however, because flight attendants are already understaffed and overworked. So the airlines would probably outsource this function to some ground-based support centre. And this is where all those unused air phones could come in handy. ‘Hello and welcome to Sky Support! If you’re in first class, please press 1 ; if you’re in business class, please press 2 ; if you’re in economy, please have your credit card ready … To talk to a Sky Support engineer, please enter the reference number on the top right-hand corner of your boarding pass, followed by the pound sign…’ 

So, I say to all you airline techno-marketers, you’ve got it all wrong. Here’s some free advice from a real passenger that can save you millions of dollars -  and maybe your career as well: 

• We’re stressed and overworked. So once we’re on board the chances are we’re going to take a break. Seat back to the reclining position, a whisky and some airline food. Then perhaps see a movie we recently missed, or read a novel. If we do open our laptops, it’s because we need to work offline, catch up on email or finish a presentation. We don’t need to be online! We can easily find an internet connection at the airport – it doesn’t have to follow us on board! As for mobile calls, the vast majority of passengers are against it anyway, and the potential for “air rage” in response to inconsiderate mobile phone addicts is very high. You don’t need a PhD in behavioral psychology to know that the last thing cabin crew need at 30,000ft is dealing with airborne conflict pitting passengers against each other.
• Being in an airplane halfway above the Atlantic is the only politically acceptable place not to be connected. It’s the perfect excuse! Anything else just doesn’t cut the ice. Not even your most private and, er, intimate moments at home are valid excuses (‘I’m sorry Dave, I don’t want to know about it. We can’t let your private life interfere with your work…’). However, being in a plane, well, that’s something entirely different: ‘oh, you were on your way to London? Well, that’s OK then, no problem, you’re covered!’ This last acceptable refuge from the demands of the office should be preserved at all costs!
• Mobile phones and internet connections are not a positive differentiator between airlines. Flight schedules and costs are; everything else is secondary. In most cases we’re locked into a particular airline anyway, via our frequent-flyer miles, or through company travel policy. So whether you have the gadgets or not is hardly going to boost your revenues. And as for thinking it can become a profit centre – well, dream on. Finally, in these days of a backlash against mobile phones in public places, it is entirely possible for an airline to get great mileage by proclaiming itself an ‘air phone and internet-free’ airline (‘We value your on-board privacy …!)’.

 So for all you airlines who are actually considering equipping your planes with wi-fi based on bogus market research, I say fugheddaboutit! Disband those suspect focus groups comprised of non-representative people. Put on your common-sense hats, talk to some real travelers, and then scrap this silly idea. Go hire some more flight attendants instead, and give the rest of them a pay rise. They deserve it, given the cranky passengers they have to deal with.  Just look at me! MG.